Wednesday, February 25, 2009

天下有情人

幾許苦心走過燦爛
任最好風景不比一世間

許志安/王菀之/林若寧/C.Y.Kong

狂loop這首

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

tender, does it matter?

side bar那個complain小widget久不久就給我點surprise。那東東其實接都我的MSN,要是我online的話,你只要在那裡發訊息,我就會即時收到。回你的話,你也可即時在那裡看到。

surprise是,一,真有人會用,二,這裡真有人會來,三,他們的話都有趣,明明陌生,談起來卻像認識的。

事源前天office hour,MSN傳來陌生人訊息,劈頭的一句是,i'm pretty surprised that your latest post is quite tender (我將之解作為affectionate or loving; sentimental or amatory)in tone. 我從沒appear to be tender嘛。又有些人覺得我tender。其實該是誰都可tender,只看你碰得上那人沒有。哪我tender嗎。不知道。但我曾經為她們做過飯,給她們寫過書信,在她們的耳邊唱一首歌。或許我可以告訴你多一點我的想法。

我常在想,我跟愛的人,就算立下心訂終生,也不會有任何儀式,也不似會公告天下。沒給她一個一晚換幾套晚裝的場合,好像總欠了她的。你我都知道,儀式不只是儀式,是個機會,讓她在世界面前給注視,成為焦點,讓她從親友口中確立自己的位置。說起來很膚淺嗎,我倒不覺得。以為世界只得兩個人的想法更兒戲。在塵世打滾,誰可漠視第三者的作用。換言之,為了讓她被(比較)完全地肯定,大龍鳳我還是可以搞的。雖說出師可能無實名,看起來可能奇怪,甚至我不知誰會到來,但我還是願意,如果她喜歡。就是找個像樣的地方,以我們之名,請大家吃一餐好的,讓她讓大家開心一下,那就行。我可能還會拍一條有關我們生活的片子,席間播出來給大家送飯。又會準備一則謝詞,感謝她肯跟我行難行的路,還要感激好些一路上扶持著我的我敬重的人。得五檯也好,得兩檯也好,好歹我也會令這變成一個official的場合。比tender更tender,因為就算我們不能有世俗所認定的儀式,但我願意用一切方法讓她得到應得的。我甚至在想,那天之後,我們應否在新年派利是。我覺得可以呀,我表哥是同居的,他年年都給我利是。那我們為什麼不可以...

另一句觸動我的說話,是 i got the impression that you're kind of angry young man, with lots of frustrations. frustration, 我以為我已經表現得比較平淡,似乎不是了。其實最frustrated的frustration我希望算是捱過了。對自己對世界有一點要求大概也不成罪。you see, fire are there everywhere on the land, burning out lives and nature. all sort of twisted values, lies and stupidity out there. Lives come and go without thoughts for anything else but own benefits. the world may end soon. i dun wanna let myself to be one of those. or try to be less harmful at least.

而有關 young man,我澄清了(我不是經常在說我是八婆,星期三就要買到壹週刊)(及,我經常覺得我的POV其實非常女性)。得到回應是 does it really matter? to me, no it doesn't. 但當人們都在猜測時,may be it matters for those who questioned. 我不介意,只是有誤會便講明白。僅此而以。我沒有gender crisis的。同埋我經常都deep V。

跟陌生人對話是有趣,雖然其實我很怕陌生人。感謝你們留我字。


gimme some

忘 憂 藥 實 驗 成 功
痛 苦 記 憶 可 抹 走


Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
it's funny and it's scary.
but to be honest i wanna. try.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

叫喚情人能幻聽到幾多

在努力回想,那些年的今日,我在幹什麼。給過什麼,又收過什麼。從前,都是過時過節搞大龍鳳的人。對我來說,雖不特別難,但都免不了虛耗過心力。卻不太記得起什麼。多諷刺。幾年前,發覺,大龍鳳,其實為的是讓人(包括自己)看。以為大龍鳳刻骨。今日明白了。畫面還是需要的。不過要在所謂節日作藉口做畫面,這人生未免空洞得太令人難堪。

口袋裡還仍備好一份dinning place清單。不是方便節日安排。是希望無論什麼時候,我都能為愛的人好好安排。吵過後、病癒後、小別前、煩惱時、鬱悶時...我都會好好安排。要記住的,不是消費的畫面,而是那一刻的體貼。那是一種,就算有別的人辦得到,你都不會給別人替你去安排的安排。要記住的畫面,還有夜裡我替你牽好被子那一幕,下班回來時發覺我給你買了甜點那一剎,和我們的身體靠得最近的時光。

我現在知道我怕什麼了。調節中。靜待下一位。

Thursday, February 05, 2009

give and take

搞了一晚,累壞。本想送他們進去後就走,看著uncle,又忍不住老吹一番。輕輕一吹,又已十二點正。瞎扯出一盤大計,心底裡都知此為聯誼聯誼,但慶幸多年後,我們還願意聯誼。當中得著,還有導演臨走前,自動表示記得要安插我一個腳色!我笑爆了!我不再只面向mon assist,我就要面向機燈了!多癡筋!很堆填!

回來坐定,是三點。應該一頭栽進去五個小時前就應該栽進去的被窩,不過都是想寫。繼昨夜《珠光寶氣》中,王喜笑死人但很現實的浪漫農夫論述後,今早讀到有關cloud computing的文,闡釋所謂免費服務背後的一種有關用家與服務提供者的真相。心想,不只cloud computing,也許很多give and take的關係,背後種種也許根本同出一徹。
...when people are dumping hundreds of hours a year into the Cloud. Blowing out photos. Entering day after day of entries. Sharing memories, talking about subjects that matter to them. Linking friends or commenting on statuses or trading twitters or what have you. This is a big piece, a very big piece of what is probably important stuff.

Don’t trust the Cloud to safekeep this stuff. Hell yeah, use the Cloud, blow whatever you want into the Cloud. The Internet’s a big copy machine, as they say. Blow copies into the Cloud...
我們把時間心血投放出去,不問是誰,不問為何,一廂情願以為就是好事,但...
...if you’re not asking what stuff means anything to you, then you’re a sucker, ready to throw your stuff down at the nearest gaping hole that proclaims it is a free service (or ad-supported service), quietly flinging you past an End User License Agreement that indicates that, at the end of the day, you might as well as dragged all this stuff to the trash. If it goes, it’s gone...
當一切化灰燼時,請不好怨,因為你就是什麼都沒關心,只一廂情願以為是好事。更不好怪人,拿得都拿是天性,就如抓錢是資本家的天命一樣。你自己控制不夠,而且從不肯面對現實真相,那可以怨什麼怪什麼。
Insult, berate and make fun of any company that offers you something like a “sharing” site that makes you push stuff in that you can’t make copies out of or which you can’t export stuff out of. They will burble about technology issues. They are fucking lying. They might go off further about business models. They are fucking stupid. Make fun of these people, and their shitty little Cloud Cities running on low-grade cooking fat and dreams. They will die and they will take your stuff into the hole. Don’t let them.
從不拒絕你的人,不代表什麼。個人認為又犯不著insult或berate,但make fun of是可以的。最緊要是認清楚這個世界,學懂辨識各人位置。你以為自己在take,其實你什麼都沒有。有的人在扮give,其實在take,但拿到了又如何。
...Recognize a Cloud when you see it. Are you paying for these services? No? You are a sucker. You are giving people stuff for free. I pay for Vimeo and I pay for Flickr and a couple other things. This makes me a customer. Neither of these places get my only copy of anything...
實在做了廿幾年人,覺得無論give or take都徙氣,如果you’re not asking what stuff means anything to you的話。so dun be a sucker.

對,我或許是在斷章取義扭曲原文,我認。但,你明,就明。唔明,就算。
真要訓。fuck that my shoulder is still aching.


all quotes from ASCII by Jason Scott / FUCK THE CLOUD